The year is 1963 and I'm seven years old and my father starts sexually molesting me and is hurting me so I'm whimpering and crying he's telling me it's o.k. daddy didn't mean to hurt you and then he keeps right on hurting me. He also keeps telling me that if I EVER tell ANYONE what he's doing to me then he will BEAT ME and KILL ME. Sooooo I'm scared to death because I really don't know what he is doing to me or why but I know it's wrong if he is threatening me the way he is and hurting me. So this went on for a couple months everytime my mother would leave which was all the time then, and I kept trying to tell my mother what my dad was doing to me but everytime I tried to tell her I would feel like I was going to faint and vomit at the sametime. I can still remember her whispering to me all the time "has your daddy ever gotten funny with you and tried touching you down there?" Pointing to my private parts. And she sounded and looked mad already and I was to frightened to tell her and finally managed to get the words out. Well dad of course denied the whole thing and gave me that look he would give that if looks could kill you know you would be dead. And I wished I was dead or he was dead. Well just as he had promised the beattings started and went on daily with my brother who is a year older than I and My sister who is 3 years younger watching so he could do whatever he wanted to them and they would never tell because they didn't want to get beat the way they saw me beat everyday. I can remember laying in bed at night and wishing I would die before I wake or that he would. I would count the years on my fingers and toes that it would be til I could get out of this nightmare. Finally when I was 18 y/o in 1974 I called up my boyfriend and told him either we get married right away or find another girlfriend. Well we got married 3 weeks later and the marriage stunk of course but I figured since it was for better or worse it was better then what I had lived through and would hang in there and eventually it would have to improve. Well it didn't and finally I was blessed with my lifetime dream of becoming a mom in 1980 to a beautiful healthy baby GIRL!~ Then reality set in once I held my daughter in my arms and knew that she deserved much better then what her dad had to offer so when she was 8 months old I filed for a divorce and met my night in shining armor a year and a half later and we were married and have been blessed every since. Once I hit my 30's I was in alot of pain all the time and didn't know why. The pain had gotten so bad that I spent the next couple of months in the doctors office going through test after test. Finally I was turned over to a neurosurgeon and he did some gruesome tests on me and looked me in the eyes and told me I have a spinalcord injury in my neck and it will either paralize me from my neck down or kill me if I so much as slip n fall or get into a fender bender. Well I was soooo mad at him and didn't want to believe him so I made an appointment with another neurosurgeon and he looked at my x-rays and confirmed everything the first doctor had said 110%. Soooooo I was very upset and told him great I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I find out there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a train coming at me. All the physical abuse I went through all those years squashed my pinalcord flat at the C-5&6 and the C-6&7 and they can't touch it to try and repair the damage because it to risky so I live in constant pain and cherish each and eveyday that I get to spend with my daughter and the ones I love. I went through many years of therapy for fear that I might be verbally abusive to my daughter and wanted to keep a check on that and also read many wonderful self-help books that really helped me heal so that I wouldn't take my past out on the ones that do love me and have always had strong faith in God and am sooooo happy today since I know that God does answer prayers. One thing a lot of people like to say is stop living in the past and all I can say is (I'M NOT LIVING IN THE PAST, THE PAST IS LIVING IN ME!~)
One of the things that helped me to get through all the beatings as a child and verbal abuse is in 1963 when the sexual abuse started I had gotten a Chatty Cathy Baby doll for christmas and when I would get beat everyday I would just hold my baby doll and cry to her and just shower my doll with all the love that I knew I should have been given and could only wish for!~ For some reason playing mommie to that little chatty baby doll helped me to realize that I could and would be the mother to my own babies someday and a good one at that!~ I loved and cherished this doll and when I was in my early 20's I met another little girl that was always being verbally abused and it broke my heart so I gave this little girl named Kathy my Chatty Cathy Baby and had her promise me that should would always take good care of her and I'm sure she did!` So now my search has begun to try and find another Chatty Cathy Baby Doll!~ I will add a link to this page incase you would like to link it to your site and will be updating this page often!~
UPDATE!~ A very SPECIAL COMPASSIONATE woman by the name of Dollytalk read my story and is sending me a Baby Chatty Cathy that still talks perfectly and is in Mint condition so Bless your heart as you have truely blessed mine Candace!~ You can contact me at AngelsDream45@aol.com with ANY questions OR comments!~
